Friends

Thanks for being understanding…

As you know, in the previous post, I’ve had some reservations about spending so much money on my friend’s wedding.

This has been an ongoing issue, especially since I’m unemployed and don’t have a regular source of income. I’ve voiced my concerns with her and have asked if I could back out because I didn’t want to burden the other 2 bridesmaids with having to pay for my end of the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and the hair & makeup. (Not to mention her shower & wedding gifts!) Also, I didn’t want to cheapen her experience by giving her non-lavish parties just because I couldn’t afford them.

I thought I was being a good friend by conceding my part in this. However, she has said that she had spent far too much money to have me at her wedding for me to back out. How is she spending a lot of money on me if I’m the one paying for my dress, my shoes, my hair & makeup, my parts of the shower & party?

In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think one person’s presence would matter that much. Also, I’ve suggested that she can just find a replacement if the number of bridesmaids really matters.

This has been weighing on me for months I don’t want to be the jerk who backs out of a wedding, but I can’t justify dipping into MY savings simply to be in her lavish wedding.


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35 thoughts on “Thanks for being understanding…

  1. You know, if you really can’t afford it then you definitely need to let her know the sweetest way you can. And if it is a big a deal as you said, then it’s you as a person who is unemployed and trying your best to make things work out for you to tell her that you just can’t do it. I understand that she is getting married and you are a bridesmaid but there’s things that you just have to take care of. It might be about her for her wedding but if it’s affecting you now and for the future… that’s your future that you need to take care of. Your situation is your situation because you make it that way.

    If you need to be out of the wedding because you can’t afford it, then tell her, “Sorry friend. I come before U. I would love to be apart of it but my situation just can’t handle it”

    I’m sure you’ll take care of what you need too! I hope things work out in your favor!

    • anne says:

      I’ve spoken with her about it and got nowhere. She wouldn’t let me back out saying that she’s spent way too much money for me to back up. The only solution she’s found so far is for me to not give her gifts and for me to not get my hair & makeup professionally done

  2. Ouch! I’m sorry this had to happen to you! I mean, afterall; this is YOUR savings and she has to appreciate the fact that you were willing to at least dip into your savings but she’s being selfish and I can understand why. It is her day afterall; but it’s not like you’re backing out the last minute. Now that I can understand why she would not to be reasoned with. But yeah the same thing happened to me and my sister’s wedding. I was told by my mother, that if I had a dress from prom I could use that and wear it to the wedding. She obviously didn’t care about me or anything and had told my sister to add me to the wedding list invitations at the last minute. If I hadn’t been there I wouldn’t have been added. But I called the week before and said I don’t have a dress that fits and I did try on my prom dress and I can’t get the zipper up so I can’t make it. They were extremely pissed off at me for saying that (which was the truth, I had gained a lot of weight since my high school days and I could barely just barely get the zipper up). But according to my mother who said I backed out the day before the wedding when she had an appointment made to get all three of our hair/nails/toes done and she was going to buy me a dress. Uhm, excuse me? I never heard her say she was going to do that! I heard her ask me distinctly if I had a prom dress and if I could try it on that day she brought me home. But no according to her that’s not what she said. Mother’s blech. So I missed my sister’s first wedding. Oh well; she’s divorced from the guy now and I have yet to meet my little niece. Some family huh? But I most certainly do not blame you for not wanting to dip into YOUR savings and all that, when you really don’t have the money. I can understand it if the bride has purchased all the dresses for her bridesmaids to wear and all that, and all you had to do was get your hair done and stuff like that. Now that I can understand; but having to cough up money for your own dress, shoes and hair? That’s just ridiculous!!!

  3. It sounds as if your friend is being quite unreasonable I can understand her wanting everythng perfect for her wedding, but as SHE asked YOU to be a bridesmaid, if she’s not providing the “fun stuff” she shouldn’t make you dip into your savings with no way to replentish them. If she wants a lavish wedding that is her choice, but making you pay for expensive things when she knows you can’t afford it is HIGHLY rude and irresponsible on her part.

    • anne says:

      I wouldn’t mind paying for some of the stuff, if the costs are reasonable… but since they’re not… Whatever. I’ll be the good friend and continue on with this. I’m not gonna ruin her “big day,” but after the wedding, our friendship will be up in the air.

  4. I understand how hard it is for you. I always have money problems. Instead of telling you how you should feel about your friend etc. , I want to suggest quickly searching for jobs. Be it temporary ones, or part time ones, real life ones, or internet ones (I recommend online ones, they’re the best but kinda difficult)… anything you can get hold of, would be good. Hopefully it will solved not only this problem that you’re facing, but also others that might arise in the future 8D

    • anne says:

      Believe me, I’m looking. I also do freelance on the side, just for extra money. But I want to earn the money for myself, not so she can have a lavish wedding on my behalf…

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  6. i think she might just be stressed out when you broke the news to her. Try to settle things when she’s calmed down and had enough rest. You know how weddings are, it can really be nerve-wrecking planning one. But in the end, if she still insists you to be part of the wedding… then sorry, your friend might not be at all a friend.. and just after your money or something :((

    • anne says:

      We’ve already talked about it and she’s not hearing me. I honestly think that, at this point, she doesn’t care. It’s all about her now. Yes, I’m definitely reconsidering our friendship now.

  7. Oh my, this is really hard but then again, you do have the right to say no to her especially since it’s YOUR savings we’re talking about here. Medyo nagulat lang ako na ginagastusan ka na pala niya for your attendance at her wedding? Ano nang ginastos niya para sayo? Pinagawan ka ba niya ng damit?

    I agree na sabihin mo na lang sa kanya in the nicest way possible na hindi ka makaka-attend. Grabe naman kasi yung wedding niya. Kung siya siguro gagastos sa lahat (e.g. dresses, shoes, etc. ng bridesmaids) at hindi na siya nag-insist for lavish parties and gifts, ok lang na pumunta ka. Pero yun nga, mali rin talaga kasi sa part niya lalo pa at unemployed ka tapos mag-eexpect siya ng ganyan. It’s just wrong. Kung friend ka nga niya, maiintindihan niya iyan.

    • anne says:

      Nagulat din ako, sis, kasi ako yung gumagastos sa damit, shoes, parties, gifts, etc. Ang gastos lang ata niya ay yung plato/upuan ko sa wedding niya. Pero di naman yun specific sa akin, di ba? Headcount lang yun. It could be anyone!

  8. I understand that it’s her big day, the wedding customs and all, but it doesn’t mean she could take advantage of everyone just so she could have the lavish wedding that she wants. It’s not like you volunteered for it. And if she is considerate enough she could’ve offered to help you out when you told her your reason for backing out. That’s just TOTALLY RIDICULOUS! *shakes head*… I hope everything will be alright soon. *hugs*

    • anne says:

      I like the true Pinoy wedding customs better where the bride & groom are honored to have you in their wedding so they pay for it all. Hahaha. Actually, I don’t mind if she didn’t, but does it have to be so much? Alam mo na nga na wala akong trabaho eh!

  9. Wow I can’t understand how selfish that is! >.< Did you tell her how you're spending your own money and not her money? That's totally crazy. I mean, she should understand these things :s

    • anne says:

      Now you know how I feel. Boggled my mind why she couldn’t understand where I was coming from…

  10. aww. maybe because you were some kind of an important person who needs to be in her wedding sis. but she should also take into consideration the fact that you are in tight budget. I hope you can both make arrangements.

    • anne says:

      She said I was one of her closest friends, which surprised me… But if I was so important then why can’t we come to a compromise?

  11. Oh goodness, you’re in quite a pickle! I totally understand your need to back out, but then I also see her need to have you part of her wedding. She obviously values your friendship – she asked you be bridesmaid! I think all the stress she is under, she’s not thinking clearly. Have you discussed this with your fellow maids? They could be going through the same thing?

    • anne says:

      No, I didn’t discuss it with them as I don’t know them that well. I wanted to talk to the bride first because I wanted to run it by her instead of going behind her back. Plus, I didn’t want to cheapen her experience. If the other two can afford all this, then they should go for it. I don’t want to bring them down

  12. You’re absolutely right! The japanese people definitely deserve some credit! they’ve done such amazing work with their buildings, and their after-quake rescues etc. Hopefully this gets cleared up soon!

    and I think you were being really considerate! I agree with you – you shouldn’t have to pay for something you can’t afford. you’re friend should understand that! i hope it all works out in the end for you!

  13. You must have spoken to her nicely, I can’t believe she is only thinking about herself at this point. If she has spent a lot of money for you to be there, she can certainly find a replacement and I’m positive it won’t be that hard. You could even offer to help her as that’s the best you can do. She needs to understand that as someone who is unemployed, you won’t be able to afford the wedding. If she was nice enough she could offer to pay for you and have you pay her back!

    She should appreciate your honesty. I hope you can have another chat with her and clear this up.

    • anne says:

      Well, it is her wedding so I’m sure she’s just focused on it and nothing else? Either way, I tried to voice my concerns, but it wasn’t being heard. I’m just so glad it’s over.

  14. i think if the bride’s really your friend she should understand your situation. Just try to explain to her more in a calm setting again… It is HER wedding, but if she’s willing to cause hardship on her friend in return to make her wedding…then I don’t think that’s a good friend. I hope there’s a solution to this while keeping the friendship. Maybe in the end it’ll strengthen the bond between you and your friend.

    I’m really sorry I cant help, but try not to stress too much over this.

    • anne says:

      My friends say the same thing. They couldn’t believe it when I told them about this. They said she just showed her “true colors” and if she really did consider me as a close friend (as she’s said many times) then she should be more understanding.

      No, nyuu, you’ve helped! You’ve told me your thoughts on the issue and you’ve given me advice! That’s all I can ask for. Thanks!

  15. I hate when you try to tell someone something and they just don’t listen. I hope you get all this sorted soon. Definitely agree that you shouldn’t have to spend all of YOUR money for HER wedding. I’d understand if it were your wedding, but it isn’t. I think it’s a tiny bit selfish of her to say that she’s spent a lot of money to have you at her wedding but she’s not paying for your attire, etc.

    Some people, eh?

    Alas, I do not speak Mandarin I do watch Asian dramas & such, but have yet to learn. I’d love to be able to speak it though.

    & Aw, wow! London That’s where I live when I’m not at university. Born and bred, baby

    x

    • anne says:

      I think it’s because she’s so focused on the wedding and she might not be thinking clearly. But, I don’t think that should be an excuse to be a bad friend. Whatevs.

  16. wow that was kinda mean.. seems like she didnt appreciate the efforts you have done so far.. I think you just have to understand her coz every bride has this kind of “attitude” whenever the wedding is fast approaching.. But then, if shes a good friend she should also understand you. Im really sorry to hear about this.. hope you’re gonna feel better soon

    • anne says:

      Thanks Melle. I will attribute it to stress and being very focused on the wedding, but I refuse to take it as an excuse to be a bad friend.

  17. tsk! that’s not good… i guess it’s okay to back out especially with your situation. and as a friend, she should understand that… i know how much money you have to spend for all those and being unemployed is…i guess an excuse.

    • anne says:

      I tested the waters and mentioned that I COULD dip into my savings or BORROW money from my parents to continue being in her wedding. She was actually up for that! That made me angry because, if she was a real friend, she shouldn’t even let me consider doing that!!

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